Asymmetrical vs. Symmetrical Relationships and Narcissism

Narcissism is such a hot topic these days. The way we use narcissism is not just the full-blown, no empathy and no ability to change kind. We consider all forms of narcissism as it exists on a spectrum and people can change if they are willing! One of the ways to conceptualize ourselves and our relationships is using this and other spectrums, like codependency, to understand how we show up in relationships and what we’re paired with or attracted to in our partners. 

It is helpful to first categorize relationships as either symmetrical or asymmetrical…

Symmetrical relationships are those in which we are paired with someone who matches our behaviors — for instance, couples who have knock-down-drag-out fights where both partners get loud, grandiose and are boundaryless. Likewise, some symmetrical relationships are couples in which both partners avoid and withdraw from conflict. These couples spend a lot of time in silent resentment.

Asymmetrical relationships, on the other hand, are those in which one partner is loud and boundaryless and the other is avoidant and withdrawn.  

While overt narcissism, the classic narcissist, shows up as loud and boundaryless, covert narcissism mostly looks like avoidance and withdrawal, but can be just as damaging and insidious. Someone who is avoidant and narcissistic uses passive aggression, sarcasm, and can be in the same room as you — stone cold and disengaged to the point of seeming indifferent.

Just as not all narcissistic people are boundaryless, not all boundaryless or drastically avoidant people are narcissistic. The difference is their level of grandiosity. If someone is boundaryless AND grandiose then they demonstrate narcissism. Likewise, if someone is avoidant AND grandiose they are also demonstrating narcissism. 

So…. symmetrical partners may both be boundaryless, but one is grandiose in presentation and the other presents in desperation. While they may fight like they’re on an even playing ground, the grandiose partner has the power. It’s important to be able to identify where you are on all of these spectrums in order to establish what needs to be changed in order to have healthier, more fulfilling relationships — both with yourself and others.