Surprise…narcissists prefer boundary-less relationships
Narcissists make it hard to set boundaries because they are inconvenient for how they like to be in relationships - boundary-less.
Here are the specific reasons it is hard to set boundaries with a narcissist:
They victimize themselves, making you question yourself and feel guilty, like you’re doing something wrong.
They are very good at crazy-making - making things seem like they are your fault.
They take advantage of your willingness to apologize for your part and will use this to defer attention away from their behavior.
Over time, all of this breaks down your ability to trust yourself.
They isolate you from your support network, further compromising your perspective.
You have already learned that the relationship is not safe in other ways and your body is telling you not to put yourself in an unsafe situation - so you don’t set the boundary and instead accept the bad behavior.
Internal vs. external boundaries and how to have them
There are internal and external boundaries that can be helpful to keep in mind when dealing with the narcissists in your life or trying to set boundaries with a narcissist in general.
External boundaries are the tangible ones: not answering the phone or text right away; taking space or breaks to gather your thoughts; not spending so much time or attention on them; removing yourself, getting off the phone, etc. when they begin to turn things around on you; giving yourself time limits for being around them. These types of boundaries can be verbally established or sometimes you can put them in place and don’t need to let the narcissist know you’re implementing them.
For instance, your mother is a narcissist and you’re going to her house for a holiday. You make a deal with yourself that you’ll leave after two hours. You could have a conversation with mom about her toxic behavior and establish the boundary by letting her know that’s why you’ll be leaving early. Or you can just leave early and protect yourself from too much exposure to her toxicity without letting her know about your boundary. Either way, you leave and have taken a big step in protecting yourself from her toxicity.
Internal boundaries are less tangible and usually not the type of boundaries we tell people about. For instance, you anticipate that same narcissistic mother is going to do the toxic behaviors that make her unsafe for you to be around. You build a figurative fortress around your heart for the duration of the visit home and are able to say (to yourself) “there she goes again, doing what she does. I won’t allow that to make me feel guilty or at fault. That’s her problem and not mine.” You’ve again taken a huge step in protecting yourself from her toxicity and she doesn’t even need to know you’re doing it.
Both of these scenarios are situations in which you have probably already learned that the relationship will not be a growth-based one. You have likely tried to get more of your needs met and have learned the narcissist is not going to change.
Cutting off a relationship is sometimes the healthiest thing you can do and does not mean anything negative about you. If it has come to the point where cutting off the relationship is the only way you can be safe, you are not weak, at fault, or guilty for not being able to make a relationship with a narcissist work - they are abusive and unwilling to try to change and that’s why it’s not working and that’s why you need to step away.
