5 Key Principles to healing after infidelity
Infidelity isn’t a death sentence to a relationship. Despite what is popularly touted in social circles. In fact, 57% of couples stay together post infidelity.
The number one thing needed to heal from infidelity is that the partner who strayed from the relationship actually wants the marriage. In part because the early stages of building repair is demanding and the partner who betrayed needs to be motivated to do the work. Couples can heal from incredible pain if both partners are willing to do what it takes to rebuild trust and heal the relationship.
The immediate aftermath of the discovery of infidelity is also known as the acute phase. In this phase the partner who was betrayed will often experience symptoms of PTSD such as; flashbacks (even to events they imagine and never witnessed), nightmares, increased anxiety, disrupted sleeping and eating patterns, just to name a few. When someone is in a state of hypervigilance like this the body is prepared to defend and protect not in a state that will allow healing and integration. Which is why the honesty, patience, and full ownership of the pain the unfaithful partner caused is so essential. It begins to allow the wounded partner to lower their defenses and shift into a more grounded state where the repair can begin.
There are 5 major components in the aftermath of infidelity that are needed in order to begin to build trust.
They are;
Accountability
Remorse
Empathy
Patience
Transparency
Let’s break each one down a little more.
Accountability = No excuses
Off the bat we need to name that the discussion about the marriage and the discussion about the infidelity are two different things. Very often both partners were unhappy with something in the relationship but only one partner chose to respond by going outside of the commitment. You can think of infidelity like a gun wound. You may have a lot of other health issues that need to be addressed. But if we do not first stop the bleeding and repair the wound the person will die. Once the immediate metaphorical bleeding has stopped then we can step back and take a look at what else might be going on with the body.
The unfaithful partner MUST take full accountability for their actions. Even if they have reasonable things they were unhappy with in the marriage. The choice to cheat is still fully their own. The betrayed partner needs to feel in their body that the apology is sincere and that their partner understands the full scope of pain they have caused them. This will help their nervous system to settle and begin the process of rebuilding trust. During this phase there is no discussion about why they were unfaithful or anything else that would justify their actions. Admitting and realizing “I can't believe I hurt you in this way and I'll never do it again” is always a great start.
No such thing as too much remorse
The remorse needs to be oozing from the unfaithful person. So much so that the hurt partner can almost hardly stand it. One big thing we always like to bring up about remorse is that when the unfaithful partner notices that the hurting partner is experiencing pain or is struggling with feelings of betrayal it can create an opportunity for more trust building.
For example, when the unfaithful partner is the one to bring it up and say– “You know, I've been thinking about how much I've hurt you and I wanted to check in and see how you are doing?”. It reinforces to the hurting partner that you do feel remorseful for your actions and that it is still on your mind. That is so important for the betrayed partner. Because it helps their nervous system exhale and know they do not have to hold it right in front of them all the time because you have not forgotten.
Be Empathetic
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. This is necessary in the aftermath of infidelity to heal the relationship because it shows the hurting partner that you truly understand how much pain they must be in due to the betrayal.
Have Patiences
It’s really important that the unfaithful partner is able to be super patient with the pace that the hurt partner needs to go during their healing process. Healing is not always linear or predictable. The unfaithful partner's ability to understand and honor that will actually help the healing process.
Transparency
This is a big one. The hurt partner needs access to the unfaithful person.They need to be able to ask questions and receive straight answers. They need access to phones, email accounts, social media, and location. Anything they ask for to rebuild the trust. But most importantly, they need to receive it all without question or hesitation from the partner who was unfaithful. However, we do caution a bit with this one. Sometimes the hurt partner can get lost in the detective work of what the other person is up to and every message received in the last 10 years.The requests should feel reasonable for the level of trust that was broken and not like harassment or obsession. But it's more about the willingness of the unfaithful partner to provide the healing partner with whatever transparency they need. Pssst, this is where accountability and patience comes in too.
When both partners consistently work at these 5 necessary components in the aftermath of infidelity to heal the relationship, this degree of access is temporary. But it takes a lot of commitment to the process, especially from the unfaithful partner.
Infidelity is not easy to heal and move on from, but it is possible. Not only can two committed people heal from infidelity but it also provides an opportunity to look back at the marriage and build something better than they had before.
Once a betrayal has occurred the relationship you had before is over. Both parties get to evaluate if building back something better is the best option for them or deciding to move forward on their own.
We are rooting for you every step along the way.
