Attachment Styles and Where We Learned Them

Attachment style is another way of understanding how we show up in relationships. It’s rooted in our childhood experiences with our parents and determines how we interact with our romantic partners.

Anxious attachment:

If you have an anxious attachment style you…

• Focus a lot of your emotional energy on your romantic relationships

• Love feeling close and have the capacity for intense intimacy but fear your partner doesn’t want to be as close

• Are highly sensitive to your partner's mood or actions

• Take your partner’s actions personally and get easily upset about the relationship

• Act out when you’re upset at your partner and say and do things you don’t mean

• Feel good and can relax in the relationship if your partner can reassure you enough, but it doesn’t last

How we learned it:

You had parents who were preoccupied with their own needs. They were either overbearing or neglectful or fluctuated between the two. Receiving attention or affection was unpredictable because it was about your parents' needs or desires, not yours.    

Avoidant attachment:

If you have an avoidant attachment style you… 

• Prefer your autonomy to intimate relationships

• Highly value your independence

• Want to be close, but feel uncomfortable with too much closeness

• Tend to keep partner at arm’s length

• Don’t spend a lot of your emotional energy on your relationship or feelings of rejection

• Hear your partner complain about your emotional distance

How we learned it:

You had parents who were strict, emotionally unavailable, distant, did not tolerate expressing your feelings, and expected a high degree of independence.

Secure attachment: 

If you have a secure attachment style you…

• Are warm and loving

• Don’t get easily upset

• Respond to relationship cues

• Take things in stride

• Effectively communicate needs

• Are strong at reading emotional cues

• Share successes 

How you learned it:

Your parents were attuned to your needs and feelings, set appropriate boundaries, limits and expectations, and provided a safe and reliable relationship.