I Want to Hold a Boundary but I Feel So Mean!
Navigating a relationship with a narcissist is extremely draining. It takes so much physical, mental, and emotional strength to confront them, hold boundaries, and maintain clarity that it is often easier to tap out. If this is you please know you are not alone and we have some ideas that might help….
Some background information:
Narcissists are often drawn to very kind hearted compassionate people who genuinely love others, are willing to be self reflective, and sacrifice their own needs for the needs of others. Often a narcissist will pair with a codependent person in order to get their needs met. One of the challenges for the codependent person is that in order to do what you need to do to survive or end a relationship with a narcissistic person, you will have to go against your natural way of being…
The crazy making cycle:
…meaning, you need to be clear, firm, direct, and unwavering. These responses often feel cold to a codependent person and very uncomfortable. The thing is the narcissistic person in your life does not make it safe for you to be the kind, compassionate person that you actually are because they walk all over you when you extend those parts of yourself to them. And so, you are forced to be direct and cold and are then accused of being unloving and cruel – it is part of the crazy making process.
Learning to maintain emotional distance:
One of the things that is important to keep in mind is that it is okay to feel sad for the narcissist in your life. Often they have valid histories of pain and trauma which were not their fault and it is completely reasonable to have compassion for their pain. The problem is that just because we understand why someone is the way they are, it does not give them permission to continue the cycle and abuse us. It is important to be able to acknowledge the ways in which they were hurt AND hold them accountable for their actions in your relationship.
The problem is often when they are confronted, they shift from their grandiosity to feelings of shame. This can look like saying, “I know you're right, I am a horrible person. I am not sure why anyone would love me. I have failed as a partner. I don’t deserve good things.” Now all of a sudden you are rescuing them when you were originally the injured party – it is crazy making. This is a defense strategy and it is helpful to be able to identify what is happening and not back down from your original message such as, “I am not saying you are a horrible person. I am saying that your behavior last night was unacceptable and I am no longer willing to be treated that way.”
It is very hard to hold firm on your boundaries with all of these strategies they use to confuse you and make you feel bad for them. It is important to learn that you can feel sad for them and not do anything about it, which is a very different response than what most of us are used to. When we feel sadness or compassion for someone, the natural instinct is to move toward them, to extend a hand, and offer support. But the narcissist in your life has shown you time and time again that when you do this, they take advantage of you and you end up in the same position all over again. It is okay to notice the sadness towards them, hold it, ride the emotion like a wave and not change anything about how you are acting with them. This does not make you a cold or bad person; it is just not possible to change your boundaries and also maintain health in a relationship with a narcissist.
