Communication Styles in Relationships

Communication is a common pitfall for relationships. We all have different ways of engaging in different circumstances and when we are faced with miscommunications or outright disagreement and conflict, our nervous systems become on high alert and often result in our communication styles betraying our true intentions.

Our way of relating, or our communication style, exists on a spectrum of healthy to unhealthy and unhelpful. For instance, if you are usually more withdrawn or passive, in conflict you withdraw to the point of perceived indifference and/or become passive aggressive. Likewise, if you are more overt in your communication style, in conflict you become aggressive and boundaryless. 

Both of these ends of the spectrum began in childhood as protective adaptations to deal with family dysfunction. And while they served an important purpose then, they contribute to deteriorating relationships now. Both partners engage in a negative cycle of relating, which erodes any safety the relationship once had. 

A good example of a negative cycle is the pursuer-distancer relationship. The negative cycle begins with either someone pursuing or someone distancing (chicken or the egg – it doesn’t matter because the cycle was inevitable and becomes so pervasive in the relationship). Let’s say there is a disagreement and one partner becomes aggressive toward the other – yelling and calling names and maybe even chasing them around a bit. The other partner, being a distancer, will do just that – distance. They will withdraw from the conflict, literally hide and avoid, or sometimes even in the same room be so stone-faced that it seems like nothing could get them out from behind that wall. Of course, the more the distancer distances, the more anxious the pursuer becomes and the more they pursue...and on and on. 

The only way to break the cycle is to take a hard look at your style and try to be aware of when you are triggered to move farther down the spectrum out of your healthy relating into your adaptive protective way. There’s hope. If you are able to notice your aggression, you need a boundary – take a break and breathe, do something that feeds you outside the relationship. If you are noticing your withdrawal, find a way to engage – apologize, tell the other person how you feel, or ask to have a conversation.