Divorcing a Narcissist

Dealing with a narcissist is all about having good boundaries. What better boundary is there than divorce? You end up with a legal agreement that spells out the terms of your boundaries. But what about what it takes to actually get to that agreement?

Not all people who are narcissistic are narcissists, but part of narcissism is selfishness, lack of empathy and lack of self-awareness. These are traits that become worse when the person feels threatened and the unfortunate thing about ending relationships is that whether we are the initiator or not, both partners are usually in a state of threat and survival and therefore more likely to exhibit our worst traits.

Because of this, it leaves the person divorcing the narcissistic partner with no choice but to also do anything they can to survive. Meaning, be selfish and protect yourself. This is the opposite of what it meant to endure the relationship with the narcissist. When you wanted the relationship to survive, you were preoccupied with placating and appeasing your narcissistic partner. Now, you are operating to get out with the least amount of additional emotional baggage possible.   

Depending on your situation this may look different, practically speaking. For instance, if you are the breadwinner, you may decide to pay to leave. If you are the stay-at-home partner you may need to endure a longer and more painful divorce in order to stake your claim to be able to provide for yourself and/or your children in the coming years. 

Either way, know that you are still not dealing with someone who will be empathetic toward you, and in fact they will be more self-serving than you have ever known them to be. Find good support (e.g. lawyer, therapist, friends and family) and rely on them to keep you going while you do one of the hardest things you’ve probably ever done. 

You are strong and full of love. You are worthy of healthy relationships.