Establishing Expectations in Romantic/Sexual Relationships: Conversations to have
We talk a lot about issues in relationships, like infidelity. Why is infidelity so prevalent when couples have agreed upon rules and expectations in their relationships? Think about wedding vows - you literally vow your fidelity to each other and you vow fidelity despite almost any circumstances - sickness, poverty, etc. So how important is setting expectations when you’re dating someone?
Very! Far too often, divorce arises as an option for one partner when the other partner’s values, religious beliefs or principles have kept divorce off the table. If the couple had discussed their feelings about marriage and divorce, instead of what likely was a ‘everything will be fine because we’re in love’ attitude, they may not be in this position.
Optimism is great, but relationships are hard! Challenges come along and your primary relationship deserves to be set up for success.
Conversations to have in order to set boundaries and have shared expectations:
What constitutes cheating
Expectations and boundaries around sex
Expectations and boundaries around money
The roles you each play for each other
Expectations and boundaries about families of origin
Expectations about future family planning (marriage, parenting)
Some conversations can happen once, like determining what constitutes cheating. But others, like expectations and boundaries around money, are often ongoing dialogues for a healthy relationship because circumstances and level of commitment changes. In fact, money is one of the biggest reasons for divorce and it’s not money problems - it’s problems talking about money.
Without clear boundaries in your relationship, you don’t know what your expectations actually are. You are more likely to both be making assumptions and having false expectations that will get your relationship in trouble.
No one likes the idea of ultimatums - they have a bad reputation. But a relationship is essentially a large set of ultimatums. “If you step outside the established bounds of our relationship, I’ll leave you.” So doesn’t it make sense to have ongoing dialogues about boundaries and expectations for the relationship in order to keep you both on the same page and out of a danger zone?
