We are Here to Tell You that There is Life on the Other Side of Codependency

We know that codependency can have a negative or even shaming connotation with it. The image is usually of a weak person who is not able to defend themselves. The reality is that people who end up becoming codependent are typically very kind, warm, compassionate people who have learned over time that their needs don’t matter. 

Often this formed in childhood with a parent who was narcissistic, had another more complex mental health issue such as chronic major depression or addiction, or even if there were strong demands on a family from having a chronically ill person in the family. Since children are not physically able to survive on their own, there is a strong biological need to connect with our caretakers, even when those caretakers are unavailable or abusive. We assess our surroundings and unconsciously decide what is going to help keep us connected which equals safety. One of the ways of doing that is to become acutely aware of the other people's needs and take on the role of caretaker aka codependent. This typically is a reward in some way, whether it is through direct praise about being the good one, one that doesn't need or ask for anything, or even more passively by the parent connecting with you over their emotions or needs. Either way, it still provides connection and keeps us safe. 

Part of the healing process is learning to understand the intention of your codependency. That part was doing the best it could with the set of circumstances it was presented with earlier in your life to keep you safe. And for that there can be gratitude. What this part might need to learn from you is that it no longer needs to serve this role because you are now grown, have the ability to protect yourself and make choices, and it is okay and good for you to connect with your emotions and have expectations in a relationship. Once you are able to have empathy for this part, it can begin to heal and no longer needs to take over. 

When codependency shows up, the goal would be to almost greet it like an old friend who was there for you when you needed them most and remind them that you are trustworthy and capable of handling your relationships. That part can rest knowing that it can trust you. 

This is a complex process, and often therapy or another form of social support can help us get more clarity through our journey.