I Love My Partner. Why Did I Blow Up My Life Like This?

Most content about infidelity is about the partner who was betrayed, and for good reason. This type of betrayal often leads people to develop full-blown symptoms of PTSD. However, it is also important for the person who did the betrayal to have a safe place to explore their behavior and investigate their story if this is something that they are willing to do. That exploration cannot be with their partner as their partner is having a lot of difficult feelings of their own and should not be asked to be the one to hold space like this. If you find that you are the one who did the cheating and are now feeling the overwhelming weight of remorse and confusion about your own decision, this might be for you. 

I love my partner. I love our family. I want our life together. Why did I do this??

We often find that the partner who does the betrayal has acted in a way that is actually against their own moral values and that they truly love their spouse. It can be very difficult to make sense of your own experience during this time – to have blown up your life so significantly for the people you love the most and not even really know why.

Even when our decisions feel impulsive or out of nowhere they often are not. It may feel that way when we are disconnected from our own emotional experiences. People will often find that their committing infidelity has nothing to do with their feelings towards their partner but comes from a deep longing or dissatisfaction with something within themselves. 

Here are a few things to consider if you find yourself in this position:

In order to understand our present day behaviors, we have to go back to the past to understand what groundwork was laid that contributed to you making this decision that you never would have imagined. In order to begin to understand this, we need to understand a bit about attachment. Next to providing basic needs for a child, the job of a parent is to be a grounded, attuned presence for their child to help them regulate their emotions, develop a strong sense of self, and therefore a strong sense of knowing how to relate to others. Many people did not grow up with parents emotionally mature enough to be able to provide this kind of support. When that happens, one of the ways of responding to that is developing a deep sense of not being good enough. This may or may not be obvious from the outside to others but the individual knows they struggle with a deep sense of inadequacy or worthlessness. 

Often attention from a stranger can feed the parts of you that are looking for validation and escape. 

What we know about infidelity is that it creates an experience of novelty for the brain that functions like a high. When we are in a long term committed relationship that can provide a lot of support and meaning we have to work to keep that sense of novelty alive with someone who feels so familiar. While familiarity is safe, we don’t get the same “hit” from those experiences that we do with novel situations. 

The problem is that as long as we are looking to heal our inner pain with external rewards, we are always going to be chasing the next high. Unfortunately, there is no easy way out of this. If you have found yourself in a situation where you have significantly acted against your own moral compass and hurt the people closest to you, it might be time to take the brave step of reaching out for support and working through some of those underlying emotional needs that lead you to stray. You are certainly not alone. Our team and many other trained professionals are here to support you. There absolutely can be great healing both individually and for the couple on the other side of infidelity if you are willing to put in the work. For now, we are championing hope for you.