So you’ve identified someone in your life has toxic behavior and you think it’s likely they are a narcissist, but you want to make it work? There’s nothing inherently wrong with staying in a relationship with a narcissist, but it does take work.

You may have lots of motivating factors for staying in a relationship with a narcissist. You may want to stay in a romantic relationship with a narcissist because you have children, history and you’re hoping they’ll change. You may stay in a job with a narcissistic boss because you love your job or it’s a means to an end. You may not want to cut off narcissistic family members because of guilt, obligation or values. Whatever your reasons or the type of relationship, you’re staying.

In a perfect world, your narcissistic partner, boss, family member or friend would be interested in self-growth, improving the relationship and wanting to change, but let’s pretend (and it’s not hard because most narcissistic people are not interested in changing) that’s not going to happen. What can you do?

First, let’s cover some common mistakes in dealing with a narcissist:

Arguing

Narcissists are not interested in compromise or hearing your point of view. It is completely fruitless to argue.

Self-blame

Narcissists are very good at turning things around and making you feel guilty and at fault. Don’t join them in blaming you.

Seeking understanding

Narcissists are largely incapable of empathy, even if they are not too far on the spectrum. Trying to gain their understanding of your experience is likely not going to be a satisfying endeavor.

Pleading

You will not be able to gain sympathy from a narcissist. If it is not in their best interest, they won’t do it.

Appeasing

Giving in to a narcissist is exactly what they expect and once you’ve given an inch they will take a mile and then expect another.

Denial

When a narcissist shows you who they are, believe them. We don’t want to believe that someone we love is a narcissist, but acceptance will help you manage in the relationship.

Avoiding these mistakes is crucial in managing your relationship with narcissistic people in your life. You’re not going to change or control them, so your focus needs to be on the things you CAN change and control!

The goal is to be able to identify the toxic behavior, detach from the toxic cycle, set healthy boundaries and focus on yourself. Here are 7 steps to get there:

Identify the toxic behavior
Detach from and avoid conflict
Learn to have realistic expectations
Set boundaries
Cultivate your support system
Focus on self-care
Keep communication transactional

Managing Your Relationship With a Narcissist