Codependency Through a Biological Lens
If you have been following along for a bit, you know that we often talk about codependency being a protective reaction to not having our attachment needs met in childhood.
I find it is often helpful to think about it this way: on a fundamental level, we are pack animals that are dependent on our caregivers for our basic survival needs for many years. Some mammals are able to walk and even feed themselves pretty soon after being born. This is clearly not the case for humans. If you leave a baby or young child truly alone for any period of time, they would not survive. Our bodies know this – our need to attach to our caregivers is built into our nervous system. In order to survive, that need will override anything that our caregivers do to us, unfortunately.
It is our caregiver’s responsibility to provide care for us as children. Unfortunately, many people are not resourced enough themselves to be able to manage all the demands of raising a child and they end up passing down their pain if they are unwilling to do the work to heal from it. When those roles become reversed where the child is responsible for meeting the emotional needs of the parent, this often leads to codependency. In other words, the child adopts the mindset of “I am only okay if you are okay because there is no room in the relationship for me to get my needs met.”
When we begin caregiving for our parents, we get small rewards. That can look like direct praise or even just the absence of punishment or less severe punishment. When we get these small rewards, we get hits of dopamine (a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and motivation) which encourages our brain to do the behavior again. The problem is that since the parent is not attuned and not meeting our needs, there is no release of oxytocin (a neurotransmitter associated with bonding, safety, and connection). You can see how this leads to a dangerous cycle of seeking that positive reward through caretaking actions but never getting the attachment need met yourself. What this will often look like is a very loving attentive person who is riddled with anxiety and guilt.
If you see yourself here, hear me say- I am so sorry. You were never meant to be the caregiver for your parents. That is an unbearable emotional load for a child. You were just as deserving of safe attuned connection as any other child on this earth, even if you have a hard time receiving that right now.
Thankfully we know that brains have neuroplasticity and are capable of changing those circuits over time. We need to be in safe relationships now where we can practice being cared for until that feels comfortable in our bodies.
