Our Guide to Set Boundaries with a Narcissist

Setting boundaries with a narcissist will often trigger your body's threat response system. This is because the narcissist in your life has over time actually been unsafe and your body remembers that. ⁣⁣How interesting is that? Our bodies automatically remember what felt dangerous in the past in order to help keep us safe in the present. We wanted to help you better understand narcissism and how to set boundaries with the narcissist in your life.

Why does it have to be hard?

Setting boundaries with a narcissist feels hard or even unfathomable because it IS hard.  

Setting boundaries is most effective when someone honors them. But the narcissist in your life will fight you tooth and nail on anything that is inconvenient for them or holds them accountable. Narcissists are experts, true experts, in victimizing themselves. And odds are your boundaries are not going to be convenient for them. Leaving them to play victim, again. They know how to turn you on your head, confuse you, and make you feel like your boundaries are completely uncalled for and dumb.

Pushback

When setting boundaries with a narcissist it’s important to know you will without a doubt receive pushback. This typically feels very uncomfortable and even dangerous at first as you learn to find your voice in this relationship

A few things to keep in mind before you set boundaries with a narcissist:

Ground yourself before hand.⁣ 
Be clear and direct about your message.⁣ 
Be prepared to restate your message regardless of what they throw at you. 
⁣Be prepared to combat internal feelings of guilt. This is often used as a defense strategy. Don't apologize. This will be used against you to diminish your credibility. ⁣

The narcissist in your life has used your kindness, guilt, and coercion to get what they want so taking this stance is a very brave step that takes a lot of inner work. ⁣⁣

The Cycle

In order to set boundaries with a narcissist it's imperative that you also understand the narcissist’s cycle of abuse. Even when we know about narcissism and what to look out for, we are all still liable to be caught up in their initial charm.⁣
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Here are the 3 phases to watch out for- ⁣

Phase 1: "Love bombing" Sometimes known as the idealization phase of covert narcissistic emotional abuse. ⁣

⁣Phase 2: “Devaluing” Instead of experiencing more closeness and partnership in the next phase, the relationship shifts to confusing and painful instability. ⁣

⁣Phase 3: “Discarding” The narcissist becomes bored of their victim's distress and moves on to someone else in a traumatizing way. ⁣

⁣Repeat. ⁣

What does this all have to do with learning to set boundaries with a narcissist? ⁣Understanding how a narcissist functions is necessary to know how to stand your ground against them. Understand that it is going to be hard, but only because they are abusive. Not because you are weak. You are going to be faced with resistance, ground yourself and don’t apologize for what you need. Be aware of the phases of their abuse & don’t fall victim to the repeat.