Unmasking Narcissism: Understanding the Traits
So you think you might be a narcissist? The fact that you’re even interested to find out means you’re not too far gone on the spectrum of narcissism. True narcissists are not interested in or even capable of real self-reflection. And definitely not change.
Have family, friends, or most likely significant others told you you’re a narcissist? Have you heard that you’re selfish, put your needs and wants above theirs, don’t care about their feelings or what they want to talk about? These are definitely things you would hear if you’re on the narcissistic side of things.
Good news - there’s hope for you. Again, true narcissists do not have a mirror and certainly don’t genuinely care about their impact on others.
Here is what your childhood was probably like if you think you have narcissistic tendencies:
Most likely, your parent or parents put you on a pedestal and their world revolved around you. If only one parent behaved this way, the other was largely absent or enabling of this. For instance, you could no wrong according to mom and she doted and praised you. Dad may not have seemed so adoring, but he was working all the time and barely home. Or, maybe dad demonstrated how to behave in blatantly self-serving ways and mom never stopped him and therefore enabled the same behavior for you.
You probably also did not have very many limits, boundaries, or consequences growing up. If you acted up or threw a fit because you weren’t getting your way, no one stopped you. This may have been so early in childhood that you may not remember. Sometimes families tell ‘funny stories’ about this kind of behavior as though it was endearing that you would always get your way. But the disservice this does a child is showing them that boundaries don’t apply to them.
The result:
People with narcissistic tendencies have a real sense of entitlement but a false sense of empowerment. This comes from a deeply rooted insecurity from a lack of limits and inappropriate praise in childhood. For example, you brought home a D on a test and your parent tells you you’re just too smart for your teachers and they don’t know how to challenge you. Now as an adult, you are comfortable blaming others when something doesn’t go your way. You are never at fault, always right, and can’t tolerate being told otherwise.
The hope:
You’ve already started - trying to gain self awareness is such a huge part of the process. Your ability to own and take accountability for the way you show up in your relationships is the first, but also crucial step in changing it. It is also important and possible to heal from the damage that your likely well-intentioned parents did and improve your sense of responsibility for self, empathy for others, and relationality in general. It is possible to develop a healthy sense of self-worth in which you feel no better and no worse than anyone else.
