Thriving Through the Holidays: Taming Your People-Pleasing Tendencies

People pleasing is such a tricky thing to navigate. Especially over the holidays! There are so many people's expectations to manage and we can get so lost in those demands that we totally lose ourselves and end up not enjoying the season.

Other terms used to describe people pleasing are; codependency, being a giver, caretaker, selfless.

How it develops

While many of these are wonderful qualities, many people who identify as people pleasers often also struggle with intense feelings of guilt and loose connection with what they want or need. People pleasing often forms in childhood as an effort to survive in an unhealthy environment. Attachment to a caregiver is an absolute necessity in childhood.

As a human species we would not survive very long without the care of an adult. So our bodies will find a way of attaching to our caretakers even if they are not safe. Because the ultimate threat in early life is abandonment. One of the effective ways of connecting with a parent who won’t meet your needs is to meet theirs. To become highly attuned to their feelings and mood, so that you can anticipate their needs and take care of them. 

What it looks like in adulthood

In adulthood this can look like always being the one running around taking care of everyone else while you are running on empty. This is especially clear at the holidays when there are so many expectations to manage. Living for everyone else’s desires is a quick way to feel totally drained and it completely sucks the joy out of the season. 

Navigating the Holidays

We encourage you to take some time to reflect. Ask yourself- what are your values? Is it quiet time with your immediate family? Is it seeing your aging parents that often get pushed to the back burner?

Consider what your actual wants and needs are. Then make your decisions for the holidays in line with those values. We know this isn’t easy to do. Often people will continue to take from you and let you endlessly sacrifice as long as you are willing to do so.

You deserve the opportunity to treat yourself with the same compassion, care, and consideration that you so freely give to others.