Attachment Styles in Sexual Relationships
There are three main styles of attachment: secure, anxious and avoidant. They are established in childhood and then show up in our relationships throughout our lives. By learning about attachment, our personal attachment style and being able to identify others' attachment styles, we can not only better understand ourselves and our relationships, but also do something to change it.
Today, we’re talking specifically about different attachment styles in our sexual relationships. It’s important to keep in mind that like most things, attachment exists on a spectrum.
Anxious attachment style:
You had unpredictable parents and therefore have a high need for approval and reassurance. In sexual relationships, this means sex = reassurance. When you perceive any degree of your partner pulling away, you become anxious, start questioning them about what's going on, and push harder for sexual intimacy in an attempt to avoid feeling abandoned.
If you are anxiously attached…
You worry about your partner’s interest in you and crave intense closeness and connection
You fall in love easily, but also don’t usually think your partner is your true love, doubting the love and commitment of your partner
You can become somewhat obsessive about your relationship and have a strong fear of rejection
Small signs of unavailability by your partner will lead to insecurity, jealousy and mistrust
You tend to feel unappreciated and unsatisfied by the way your partner shows love
The sexual signs of anxious attachment….
You use sex to feel love, security, closeness, reassurance, approval
You use sex to elicit your partner’s attention and caregiving
You have a negative perception of your sexual experiences and often feel disappointed by sexual encounters
You have low self-esteem and self-doubt, specifically about your attractiveness and desirability
You tend to have sexual experiences earlier in life and more sexual partners
You tend to be unfaithful in your sexual relationships
You experience intense sexual attraction, jealousy and even obsessiveness about your partner
You engage in unwanted sexual behaviors for fear of abandonment
Avoidant attachment style:
You had emotionally absent parents and therefore you are highly independent. Your high level of independence means you are not relationship-focused. Sex in intimate relationships is largely unimportant and can even feel overwhelming, making you retreat instead of bringing you closer. This becomes pervasive to the point where you withhold affection altogether.
If you are avoidantly attached….
You appear distant and cold
You do not seek closeness and fear intimacy
You avoid feelings and do not display emotion
You are generally less emotionally involved in your relationships than your partner
You don’t believe in true love
You tend to have few long-term relationships
The sexual signs of avoidant attachment…
You prefer to abstain from sex, have short-term or casual, emotion-free sexual relationships
You tend to use fantasy or pornography as a substitute for intimacy
Discomfort with sexual activities that require intimacy, such as foreplay
Use sex to protect yourself from your partner’s negative emotions, reduce stress
Use sex to gain control and assert emotional distance
Perceived as having a low sex drive
Secure attachment style:
Securely attached people had parents who fulfilled their needs as children - physical and emotional. This leads to having low levels of anxiety and avoidance in their relationships. They generally feel good about themselves and their love lives.
If you have a secure attachment style…
You have a strong sense of self and balance in your life
You seek long-term committed relationships based on mutual trust, understanding and emotional closeness
You are able to regulate your emotions
You are open and trusting in relationships
You are able to communicate your needs effectively
You freely seek and provide emotional support in your relationship
You are ok being alone and have the ability to reflect on how you are in relationships
The sexual signs of secure attachment…
You prefer sex in committed romantic relationships
You have a positive sense of sexual self-esteem
You are physically affectionate
You are generally comfortable experimenting or trying new things when in a committed relationship
You are not likely to engage in casual sexual relationships
You do not use sex to manipulate others or feed your ego
You use sex to show affection to your partner
You enjoy sex in committed, intimate relationships
