Codependency Patterns and How to Break Them
“We rescue people from their responsibilities. We take care of people’s responsibilities for them. Later we get mad at them for what we’ve done. Then we feel used and sorry for ourselves. That is the pattern, the triangle.” - Melody Beattie Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself.
Codependency has a cruel pattern: give, give, give → resentment. Codependency is when we work so hard to do what we think others need from us to the extent that we abandon our own needs for theirs. Then when we’ve realized the extent of that abandonment, perhaps because of their lack of appreciation, we are mad at them. We’ve now victimized ourselves — I am the victim of you not appreciating my killing myself for you.
The pervasive nature of people pleasing — needing others to like you, see your worth, want you — is dangerous. And the antidote is detaching and figuring out how to refocus on yourself. In other words, good boundaries.
Boundaries are not about eliciting change. Boundaries are not stonewalling, passive aggression and avoidance in order to get a reaction from the other person. They are about getting peace for yourself. Codependency is essentially an attempt to control the other, so by putting in place boundaries with the expectation that it may change the other’s behavior, you are perpetuating your attempt at control and therefore potential for resentment.
So implement boundaries, but healthy ones. Work on detaching and refocusing on yourself. You are worthy of healthy relationships — with yourself and with others. You are enough.
