The Influence of Porn on Relationships
Pornography is defined as “the depiction of erotic behavior (as in pictures or writing) intended to cause sexual excitement” – Merriam-Webster.com
The scope of pornography has become much larger in recent years. For decades, it was limited to romance novels, print magazines, and 42nd street films. Then films became more accessible and pay-per-view, but then all of a sudden, the internet happened and accessibility, range and volume skyrocketed.
So to what extent does porn play a part in our romantic relationships? The spectrum of thought and use of pornography in relationships is vast. At one end of the spectrum, some couples watch porn together as part of their foreplay and exploration of sex and fantasy. At the other end, some partners consider it cheating for their counterpart to look at porn – “having sexual thoughts about other people, even those on a screen, is cheating.” And somewhere in the middle, couples have somewhat of a “don’t ask, don’t tell” attitude about both partners’ use of porn – “I know they use it to masturbate, but I don’t know when or how often and I don’t really care as long as it doesn’t interfere with our sex life.”
But what if it does interfere with your sex life, or you discover your partner would rather engage in sex alone with a website or copy of 50 Shades of Gray than with you?
Heterosexual couples sometimes suffer when it comes to feelings about porn because there are gender biases that make it hard to understand the other’s perspective. Typically, men are aroused by visual images, but women prefer a good descriptive story, if at all. Women unfortunately are also the gender that is typically more sexually repressed. So the couples that are on the cheating side of the spectrum are generally heterosexual with the female partner feeling that her male partner is cheating by looking at other women in a sexual way.
The other way porn can interfere in sexual relationships is a desensitization that happens with the use of internet porn. There is a phenomenon among young, otherwise very healthy men in the peak of their sexual development experiencing erectile dysfunction when trying to perform with a partner. The theory behind this is that their formative sexual exploration as click-click-clicking through videos provides a level of stimulation that engaging with one partner, even though it’s in real life, does not.
Sex is such a sensitive and vulnerable part of our romantic relationships, and no matter where you land on the spectrum, true intimacy means you both feel safe and connected. It’s ok and even healthy to have some privacy in an intimate relationship, but what breaks intimacy is secrecy. So even when it comes to porn, if one partner is engaging in something that is outside the agreed upon bounds of the relationship and keeping it a secret, it’s cheating.
