“We rescue people from their responsibilities. We take care of people’s responsibilities for them. Later we get mad at them for what we’ve done. Then we feel used and sorry for ourselves. That is the pattern, the triangle.” -Melody Beattie Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself.

People will often come to therapy and describe being in a relationship that they would never recommend being in to someone they love. Yet, they have slowly made excuses over the years for that person's behavior. “Well, he didn’t mean it. He had a really rough childhood.” “What is my part in this?” “I can’t be angry at my parents because they didn’t have a good childhood or were more abused than I was.” These are all really common phrases to justify someone's bad behavior in a relationship.

“For the narcissist – reality is an aggression.” — Dr. Frank Yeomans

So you’ve realized you’re codependent and now you’re not sure what to do about it? Codependency happens when we take on responsibility for others’ feelings. This is accompanied by an abandonment of our own feelings.

Codependents are people who learned that their needs don’t matter and are therefore focused on the needs of others. Problems arise when codependents focus so much on others that their self-neglect becomes detrimental to their own wellbeing and, as a result, their relationships suffer as well.

Codependency doesn’t seem that bad. Usually codependents are lovely people and people love them. They are caregivers and fixers – always putting others before themselves. The obvious pitfall is if they always put others before themselves, who is taking care of them?

If you have been following along for a bit, you know that we often talk about codependency being a protective reaction to not having our attachment needs met in childhood. We find it is often helpful to think about it this way…

Navigating a relationship with a narcissist is extremely draining. It takes so much physical, mental, and emotional strength to confront them, hold boundaries, and maintain clarity that it is often easier to tap out. If this is you please know you are not alone and we have some ideas that might help…

We know that codependency can have a negative or even shaming connotation with it. The image is usually of a weak person who is not able to defend themselves. The reality is that people who end up becoming codependent are typically very kind, warm, compassionate people who have learned over time that their needs don’t matter.

People pleasing is such a tricky thing to navigate. Especially over the holidays! There are so many people's expectations to manage and we can get so lost in those demands that we totally lose ourselves and end up not enjoying the season.

Dealing with the narcissist in your life is absolutely draining, especially over the holidays! Here are some things to remember.

When you think about the fact that codependency develops as a way to protect yourself in a situation that your body felt was unsafe, it really takes away the shame and stigma of the word.