Navigating Infidelity During the Holidays: The Support You Actually Need
Finding out about an affair is like a bomb going off. It affects every part of your life and often leaves you alone standing in the wreckage of a place that once felt so familiar. People will often experience symptoms associated with PTSD in the aftermath of infidelity coming to light.
Common symptoms are; hypervigilance, disrupted sleep and eating patterns, nightmares and intrusive thoughts/ flashbacks- even to events that were never witnessed but vividly imagined, numbness and depression, grief, and anxiety. Just to name a few.
Whether the infidelity was first revealed around the holidays or you are living through one of the many “firsts” in the aftermath of finding out, it can be an incredibly painful season. One of the hardest parts for many people is the social stigma and expectations in the aftermath of an affair. Many people will casually say things like “Oh if he/ she cheated on me that would be the end. I would never tolerate that.”
The problem with this kind of confidence in the absence of experience is it can leave you feeling like you are crazy, failing, or weak for being confused and wanting to see if you can still make things work.
While it is hard to get concrete data on infidelity since it is something that people often hide. Some data suggests that upwards of 57% of people stay in the relationship following an affair. When you have been in a relationship for decades, have children together, feel you are with the love of your life, have financial ties, etc. it is not stupid to see if you can make things work.
There are a lot of valid reasons to not immediately walk away from a relationship after finding out about an affair. Oftentimes, the affair actually had nothing to do with the partner and is more about the individual who cheated, missing something deeply within themselves.
There are two really important key factors that need to be present in order for it to be safe enough for you to stay and see if things can be resolved;
They need to be willing to do the hard work on themselves, likely in individual therapy, to learn why they chose to act against their own values (in many cases) and betray your trust.
Take full responsibility for their actions and be willing to work on earning your trust over time.
It is extremely vulnerable to give someone who has betrayed you the opportunity to earn your trust. If that is your story you deserve to be supported in that process.
On the other hand, it is also not stupid to leave if that is what your gut and heart are telling you. Maybe this was the final straw in a long list of concerns you have been ignoring for a long time and could no longer ignore. That is okay too!
Either way the aftermath of infidelity is often very traumatic and it can be easy to lose your sense of self.
Whatever you choose it is really important to surround yourself with people that remind you of your worth and engage in activities that you find life giving. This is a time for you to aggressively practice self care strategies and lean into trusted relationships. You can trust that the more grounded and connected to yourself you are, that over time you will find your answer and can move forward with clarity. Even if that path is painful, when you are clear in your decision, there is peace on the other side.
