The most surprising thing about codependency

Codependency is a bit of a buzzword in today’s culture. We love that our generation is bringing terms like this into the public eye, showcasing that it's not a bad thing to talk about. The downside is whenever something becomes common language it tends to be overused and misused and therefore loses its meaning.  That's why we feel so strongly about shedding some (factual) light on what codependency is, how it develops and how you can navigate feelings of guilt that so often inhibit us from being able to set boundaries.

Codependency develops as a protective reaction to a situation that your body felt was unsafe.

As a child if you had a very narcissistic parent, everything was always about the parent. You were constantly worried about protecting them and about managing their feelings. Meaning? You were not allowed to exist on your own– you were essentially used as fuel for getting their needs met. You were constantly trying to meet their needs in order to keep yourself safe. 

Codependency can also develop from living with a volatile parent, who was unpredictable, causing you to always walk on eggshells. One of the ways of surviving in this type of environment is living in a state of “if I can anticipate their emotional needs before they have them, then I can try to intervene and therefore keep myself safe”.

What happens in that situation is, it doesn't matter what needs you might have. That's not even in your consciousness. It doesn't matter if you had a hard day at school or if you feel stressed or scared. The only thing that matters is how are they feeling, what do they need, how can I adjust myself or the surroundings to avoid a blow out. Nowhere in this caretaking role do you exist. It is all about predicting the needs of another to avoid the chaos. 

How does this then look later in adulthood?

Think about the  person who is always taking care of other people and absolutely running themselves empty making sure everyone else's needs are met. If you were to stop and ask them– “Hey, what did you want in that situation?” 

Very often their answer would be– “I have no idea”. This is because no one ever asks them. Everyone in their world is so used to them picking up all the pieces and taking care of everything, all while totally losing themselves in the process.

Navigating the guilt and shame.

When you think about the fact that codependency develops as a way to protect yourself in a situation that your body felt was unsafe, it really takes away the shame and stigma of the word.

When we work to develop gratitude for how that part protected us at the time that we needed its protection, that part can begin to heal. We can begin to learn that it is ok for us to take up space, to connect with ourselves, our feelings, our needs and take care of ourselves. In the end we are actually able to show up more fully for other people when we are not depleted and overwhelmed all the time. This is such a huge process (that comes with a learning curve) for somebody who was trained to never consider their needs because it wouldn't have been safe to do so.

You may need to remind yourself;

You matter.

You are safe now.

You deserve to take up space in your life and relationships.

You can best live in line with your values when you come from a fulfilled place vs an anxious and depleted place.