Narcissism – Can They Change?
Categorizing someone as a narcissist, while it may free you from being the victim of their issues, is not always an accurate label. Narcissism exists on a spectrum – from someone with narcissistic personality traits, to someone with the diagnosable Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The most dangerous form is called malignant narcissism.
All forms of narcissism include some version of extreme self focus, lack of true empathy and exploitation of others. The severity of the narcissism is important because it aligns with the degree to which the person will change.
Some narcissistic traits serve the individual well, such as self-centeredness and taking advantage of others. While these traits may help a person become successful in school or business, they are toxic in intimate relationships.
Diagnosable Narcissistic Personality Disorder includes everything mentioned above with more insidious feelings of grandiosity or superiority over others, need for admiration, envy of others or thinking others are envious of them, arrogance, aggression and entitlement.
Further down the spectrum is malignant narcissism, which borders on sociopathy. Traits of malignant narcissism include vindictiveness, sadism (enjoying seeing others in pain), violence and paranoia in addition to all the classic traits of overt narcissism, like exploitative behaviors and a strong need for praise.
To take a step back, everyone has the ability to change. That being said, not everyone is willing to change and for some, change is more difficult depending where they are on the spectrum.
Let’s break it down so you might better know what you’re dealing with.
Severity varies, but these are the two main types of narcissism that exist on that spectrum: overt and covert.
Overt narcissistic traits:
Outgoing
Arrogant
Exploitative
Lacking empathy
Overbearing and aggressive
Exaggerated sense of self
Need for praise and admiration
Competitive
Covert narcissistic traits:
Insecurity and low self-esteem
Expression of shame
Passive aggression
Introversion
Avoidance
Defensiveness
Playing the victim
Both types of narcissism are involved in the cycle of narcissistic abuse – love bombing, devaluing and then discarding. Overt narcissistic abuse begins as you are drawn in by their extroversion and openness. They are magnetic, charming and seductive.
Covert narcissistic abuse involves a drawing in through perceived vulnerability – they are a wounded bird that needs you to love them back to whole. Both end up turning you into the problem – gaslighting. This is the devaluing. Then they both eventually discard you once they’ve used you up.
Bottom line about can they change:
One way to tell where they are on the spectrum and if there is hope for your narcissistically-traited beloved is their level of insight about themselves. Yes, people with narcissistic traits are inherently without a mirror, but that doesn’t mean they can’t get one. If they have any introspection that they are in fact contributing to unhappiness in their relationships, complaints from their partner, that their behavior is hurting others then they still need to want to change, but the likelihood of them doing so is much higher.
Please remember – you are worthy of safe, loving and authentic connection in your relationships.
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